


Treat yourself Gently

by SolarisRasa



Series: Malec Request [6]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, Anxiety, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Magnus is a gift, Mental Health Issues, Outbursts, request
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-11
Updated: 2020-08-11
Packaged: 2021-03-06 04:02:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25836949
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SolarisRasa/pseuds/SolarisRasa
Summary: Clary's whining strikes a personal note for Alec who has simply had enough.
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Series: Malec Request [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1821445
Comments: 14
Kudos: 250





	Treat yourself Gently

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Neonfurr](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Neonfurr/gifts).



> A little short. I struggled with keeping them in character for this?

“And I totally had an anxiety attack because Simon kept trying to get me to look at it!” Clary’s voice grated, making Alec flinch. He shot a glare back at Jace, they weren’t exactly out on a Sunday stroll here. Jace even seemed somewhat frustrated with the volume Clary and Izzy were maintaining as he made a “shut up” gesture at them.

“Sorry!” Clary said, cheerful more than contrite. Alec blinked, focused. He couldn’t let the bitter feeling climbing up his throat overwhelm him. So what that Clary kept talking like her mild squeamishness around worms was anywhere near his own sometimes crippling anxiety.

Thank the angel Magnus had finally gotten through to him a few months ago. 

-

“Alexander?” Magnus’ voice was soft, his body radiating comfort and warmth where he sat close, not touching, to Alec.

Alec made a sound, acknowledging his boyfriend from where his face was pressed against his own arms, body only just beginning to relax as he sat at the table. His fingers hurt from how tightly he’d been clenching his fists for the better part of the afternoon. The jittery, breathless feeling was finally fading, exhaustion stealing in. 

“Can I touch?” Magnus asked, no expectation in his tone.

Alec nodded and sighed again as warm, gentle fingers stroked through his hair slowly. The tension bled out of his the longer Magnus touched him, the longer he was surrounded by the scent of  _ home.  _

“What happened Alec?” 

Alec shrugged, regretting it immediately as the table pressed into his chest. He shifted back in his chair a little and slowly raised his head, grateful that Magnus didn’t pull his hand away.

“Nothing.”

Magnus’ kind eyes weren’t pitying, instead he pushed Alec’s hair back, smiling slightly, “Alright, then how were you feeling?”

Alec blinked, he thought about trying to pretend it was just a long day. He thought about giving just enough that Magnus would let it go. Again. He could feel tension returning to him at the thought.

“I felt sick.” It was a simple thing to say but it wasn’t...right, “Well, like...my stomach hurt because I was worried and I couldn’t stop thinking about all the stuff I need to take care of this week and Jace needs me to block out some extra time to spar because we’re trying a new thing and I need to find time to spend with Izzy because she let it slip she feels like she never sees me unless I’m giving her orders and I was supposed to be here an hour ago and-”

Magnus’ hand slid down his cheek as he nudged Alec to sit up more and scooted his own chair closer, “Darling, there’s so much on your plate, I’m sure everyone would understand if you needed to delegate or push something to next week?”

Alec shook his head, “No. Magnus, it’s like,” He licked his lips, “It’s like if I don’t get all of this stuff done myself then I know it’ll all fall apart and sometimes there’s so much going on in my head that everything goes fuzzy and  _ Raziel..”  _ Alec looked away, he hated to admit this, “Sometimes I can’t breath and it’s like I don’t know where I am because there’s so much pressure everything just...slips”

Magnus doesn’t speak for a long time and Alec finally dragged his eyes back to his boyfriend. Magnus looked thoughtful.

“I have a friend. A mundane friend with the sight. She’s a therapist and I think it might be good for you to meet her.”

Alec frowned, “Magnus I don’t need-”

“Alexander. The things you’re saying you feel? The other times we’ve talked about how sometimes everything just feels like so much effort you don’t want to live to deal with it? Those things have names and it’s good to talk about them with someone who might be able to give you the tools to work around them.”

Alec blinked. Tools. He had been certain Magnus was going to talk about “fixing” but tools to just...get by. That might be good.

“I’ll think about it."

Magnus pressed a soft kiss to his brow, “That’s all I’m asking.”

-

Alec’s jaw hurt from how hard he was gritting his teeth when they walked back into the institute.

“You know, I get the all black for patrols, but all the time? It’s enough to give me depression, yikes!” Clary plucked at her ichor-damp jacket, “Maybe that’s why you’re always so grumpy Alec. Need to get some color to cheer you up!”

Alec just glared and she rolled her eyes, clearly annoyed, “Holy shit Alec, lighten up would you! You’re making me anxious with your moodiness tonight.”

She just wouldn’t stop and he was just about done.

“Seriously man, you okay?” Jace asked. 

Before Alec could nod Clary jumped in again, “Of course he’s fine, probably just sad he didn’t get to see Magnus today.” She actually sounded sincere about that, “I get depressed when I don’t get to see you too.” 

Jace started to smile at her but that was officially it for Alec. Alec who had been struggling a little more today, having forgotten to grab his meds when he left that loft the night before and having skipped the days dose by mistake as a result, Alec who had to spend most of an already shit day listening to Clary whine and talk about things he was actually dealing with like any sort of sad moment was the same.

“You know something? I don’t “get depressed” when I’m away from Magnus. I am depressed every second I have to keep living this miserable fucking existence and Magnus is one of the only people who has never once made me feel like I am less for how fucked up I feel sometimes. You make a mess everywhere you go and whine and complain about how hard everything is but you’re not the one cleaning up after the disasters you leave in your wake. That’s me, and Jace, and Izzy and I am so fucking afraid of what’s going to happen to all of us if you don’t learn to listen once in a while. Do you understand that I have to take medication just to make it through the day because all I want to do, almost all the time, is walk into the East river? Or find another balcony? So talk about how you’re “so depressed” because you had fifteen less minutes to sketch one more god-damned time, I swear to the angel, I will throw you in the gard.”

Silence followed his words, Jace’s eyes were huge and Clary had gone terribly pale. Izzy’s eyes were wet as she stepped forward slowly. 

_ Fuck.  _ They were staring at him and he’d just shouted all of that and they were in Ops. Clary mostly just didn’t  _ know  _ and it wasn’t her fault, not fully though she should know better than to rag on and on sometimes. He stepped back, feeling the tremors starting in his fingers as his stomach cramped violently. 

Jace. Jace’s expression was full of turmoil and Alec couldn’t stand the worry in his parabatai’s gaze. He just couldn't be here.

“Sorry. I’m...sorry.” He mumbled, shoving back past all of them and breaking into a sprint as soon as he was past the front door, feet carrying him straight toward Brooklyn.

-

“Magnus?” Alec called, voice hoarse as he took deep breaths as controlled as he could manage, his hands shaking. Nothing felt  _ right.  _ He knocked on the door, calling Magnus’ name again and hoping he wasn’t bothering his boyfriend.

Magnus tugged the door open, smile fading as he looked at Alec.

“Come here.”

He stepped back for Alec to come inside, arm open in an easy offer and Alec took a shuddering breath before nodding quickly and stepping into the offered hug. The door clicked closed behind him as Magnus held him tight, letting him ground himself in the feel and smell of his boyfriend.

When things started to feel real again, though still like all his emotions were under layer after layer of resin, he pulled away, slowly.

“Thank you.”

Magnus pressed the back of his fingers to Alec’s cheek, “Would you like anything?”

Alec shook his head, “I need to uh, I need to take my meds. Then can I just, stay?”

Magnus’ brows pulled together, “Darling, did you leave them here? I could’ve sent them to you, I don’t want you to skip them.”

Alec shrugged, “I shouldn’t have forgot them.” He ducked his head a bit and headed toward the master bathroom where he’d left the orange bottles that he appreciated and hated in turn. Magnus trailed behind him, a silent and worried shadow.

“I have some potions to work on tonight but I would love your company? I picked up a beautifully illustrated copy of fairytales I think you might enjoy if you want something to do?”

Alec swallowed his medication and looked at himself, thoughtful. Everything felt distant, muted and he loathed to breach that gauzy wall, knowing that all that awaited him at the moment was shame and exhaustion. He could join Magnus tonight, curl up and look at pictures and listen to his boyfriend expound on the uses of strange ingredients.

His therapist had been working with him on taking quiet moments, on letting himself recover, on being gentle with himself instead of forcing himself to face everything in a never ending stream of suffering.

“I would like that.”

Magnus smiled at him, “I’ll get the book and meet you in the apothecary?”

Alec nodded, leaning in for a soft, grateful kiss.

Today was hard, tomorrow would be hard too, facing the others and trying to talk out the mess with Clary, but tonight could be easy.

Tonight he could let Magnus help him hold together.


End file.
